I asked Claude to roast my landing page copy and it did not hold back

This paragraph could be on the homepage of a bank, a smoothie startup or a drone company, and nobody would notice. That’s the problem: it contains zero nouns that belong to you.

Word by word:

• “Unlock the future” — the future is not locked, and you are not a key.
• “AI-powered platform” — in 2026 this is like saying “electricity-powered”.
• “leverages cutting-edge technology” — you have now said “uses technology” twice in one sentence.
• “seamlessly empower teams to achieve more, faster” — four abstract words in a row. Achieve what? Faster than what?
• “thousands of forward-thinking companies” — if it were true you’d name three.

What to write instead — fill in the brackets with real things:

“[Specific job] takes your team [X hours a week]. [Product] does it in [Y minutes], and shows its work.”

Then one line of proof: a number, a logo, or a quote with a name and a company. If you don’t have any of those yet, say what it does in the plainest possible words and let the demo do the talking.

Example, if you were, say, a tool that turns support tickets into bug reports: “Your support inbox has 40 bug reports hiding in it. We find them, dedupe them, and file them in Linear — with repro steps.”

“Every decision your team makes in Slack, written down before it scrolls away.”

Subline: “Connect Slack. We watch the threads you choose, extract the decisions, and keep a searchable log with links back to the conversation.”

That’s it. No future, no unlocking.